Spamano: Vampires?
by Bad Touch Tomato
Summary: 'It was 2:38 one windy still dark, Wednesday when Lovino Vargas was startled awake by a resounding crash. He bolted upright and whipped his head to the left, toward his bedroom window. The glass was in a jagged pile on the floor, the cool night air wafting through the now empty pane.' What happens you have to read for. Crack!fic


It was 2:38 one windy still dark, Wednesday when Lovino Vargas was startled awake by a resounding crash. He bolted upright and whipped his head to the left, toward his bedroom window. The glass was in a jagged pile on the floor, the cool night air wafting through the now empty pane. Squinting his eyes, he could just barely make out the vague shape of someone lurking in the corner of the room.

"Um," he said.

"Holy shit!" the vague shape yelped, stumbling backward into Lovino's bookshelf. Textbooks, freshman required reading, and collections of short stories rained down on its head.

Instead of screaming like a girl, locking himself in the bathroom, and hysterically calling the police like a normal person would do when faced with a horrifying prowler, he reached under his bed and pulled out an aluminum baseball bat.

"I have a weapon," he called, adjusting his grip on the handle and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Now, most people have a stronger sense of self-preservation than this, but Lovino knew that the room in the apartment had his brother, Feliciano—he didn't want to give this creeper the chance to stumble across the hall and do god knows what to him.

"Shit," the vague shape swore again. "Oh, shit. This is not going well. This was not the plan."

Confused and a bit concerned, Lovino reached over and flicked on the bedside lamp.

Blinking in the sudden light was a tall boy with messy brown hair. He had bright green eyes, bizarrely, he was wearing a deep red, floor-length cape. Noticing Lovino's bemused gaze, he held his arms out in a way that was probably supposed to be menacing but came across rather awkward and a bit half-hearted.

"Um," Lovino said again.

"Oh wait, hold on," the boy said, digging in his pocket. "I can fix this," he muttered to himself. "This can still work." He pulled out something white and popped it into his mouth.

"What are—" Romano started.

"There, that's better," the boy said, through was sounded like a mouthful of sandwich. Pastrami on sourdough, Romano decided.

And now he was hungry.

"I'm here to schuck yer blood," the tall boy said matter-of-factly.

"Schuck?" Lovino repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"You get what I mean," the boy said. The white thing tumbled out of his mouth as he said this, bouncing to the floor.

Fake plastic vampire fangs, Lovino realized.

"You're getting saliva on my carpet," he admonished.

The boy scrambled to pick them up and began to shove them back into his mouth.

"Those were on the floor," Romano said, wrinkling his nose.

The boy considered this a moment, then stuck them back in his pocket. "I can talk better without them anyway," he said, grinning a surprisingly charming grin.

"Oh, good," Romano deadpanned.

"Um, could you maybe put the bat down now?" the boy pleaded, raising his hands in a placating manner.

Lovino, who'd forgotten he was even holding his weapon, readjusted his grip. "Not until you explain why you broke into my room in the middle of the night. I don't really have anything of value, so—"

"What? No!" The boy cut in, waving his hands. "I don't want to rob you. I already told you—I'm here for your blood."

"You were serious about that?" Lovino said, bewildered.

"Well, yeah," the boy said, grinning again. He was really rather good-looking, Lovino decided. It was too bad he was a terrifying weirdo who broke into people's bedrooms, or he might have been interested. As it was…

"Sooooo," Romano said. "You think you're a vampire or something?"

"Well, I almost am," the boy said, hopping up onto Lovino's dresser and kicking his feet. "This is actually the last step. I was supposed to sneak in here and take your blood, then fade away into the shadows of the night."

"How's that working out for you?" Lovino said snarkily.

The boy sighed. "Not too well. Apparently, I'm not very good at being stealthy. Who knew?" He answered, obliviously, looking at Romano."Right. Well, even if you had managed to succeed at the stealth portion of this little exercise, how would you have…collected…my blood?" Romano answered, watching Spain dust of his clothing. He pointed at his mouth. "I was gonna bite your neck. A little cliché, I know, but that's just what we vampires do."

"You were going to bite my neck." He answered, his eyes just staring at the so called 'Vampire'."Yep!"

"With your plastic fangs."

"Uh…"

Romano raised an boy hummed, kicking his feet against Romano's sock drawer. Lovino frowned at the scuff marks his dirty vans left behind."Could you not do that, plea—"

"Well, looks like we'll have to go with Plan B," the boy stated, sliding off of the dresser. He dug in his pocket again, then pulled out a switchblade. He flicked it open and grinned, showing all of his teeth. "Ah!" Lovino yelled, toppling over on the bed. The bat fell out of his hand and rolled under his desk. "Oh man!" the boy cackled, closing the blade and putting it back in his pocket. "You should have seen your face!" He shook his head, still chuckling. "I was just kidding. Lighten up, willya?"

"You can't break into someone's room, brandish a knife at them, and tell them to calm down. My God, you're horrifying."

"Yet handsome, yeah?"

"Um. No."

The boy grimaced. "That's not very nice, um…" He trailed off invitingly."Romano," he responded automatically. Then he slapped his forehead. "I'm an idiot."

"Romano, huh? That's a nice name. Me, I'm Spain!"

"Spain."

"Yeah!"

"Is that your vampire name?" Romano asked, looking around for another weapon of some sort. "No," Spain sighed, putting his hands behind his head and leaning against the wall. "I need to think up something cool. Like Deak! What do you think of that one?" Lovino stared for a moment at Spain's hopeful face. "Okay, a couple of things. One, why are you asking me, your supposed victim, about your stupid vampire name? Two, Deak is the stupidest name I've ever heard. And three, you're lying to me, because Spain is not a real name."

"Yes it is!" Spain insisted.

"No one is named Spain. No one will ever be named Spain."

"But! It's Spanish for 'Espana!' Or something…" he trailed off uncertainly.

"Uh huh," Lovino said skeptically.

"You sure are mean," Spain pouted.

"Why are we even having this conversation? Get out of my bedroom."

"But I need to collect your blood! France was very specific about the—"

"Whoa, hold on. There is someone in the world named France?" Romano asked, incredulous.

"Uh huh!" Spain answered enthusiastically. "He's the leader of our coven!"

"Okay, I've changed my mind. That is the stupidest name I've ever heard. And aren't covens for witches?"

"'Coven' is the collective noun for both vampires and witches," Spain corrected, sounding very scholarly all of a sudden. "And probably warlocks, too," he added.

"That was a rather well-informed reply," Romano said.

"Thanks!" Spain said brightly. "I'm a big reader." He smiled that charming smile again.

Lovino blushed a bit, then smacked himself on the forehead again. "Idiot," he muttered. "He broke into your house."

"Huh?" Spain raised an intrigued eyebrow, then shrugged. "Anyway," he said, pulling a large, glittering chalice out of nowhere. "I wasn't kidding about that collecting-your-blood thing. So if you could just fill this up…"

Lovino stared at him like he was an idiot—which he obviously was. "Where did you get that? There's no way it fit in your pocket."

"Come on, man! You don't know how badly I need you to do this for me!"

"Why do you even want to be a vampire, anyway?" Lovino asked. "And there's no such thing as vampires, so what the hell?"

"Okay, you obviously don't get it," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Being a vampire is cool. It is the 'in' thing right now," Spain explained knowledgeably. "And you should know: as an incredibly cool person, I am always on top of the trends."

Lovino let his mind wander a bit at his mention of being "on top" of things, then mentally shook himself. Here he was, in the middle of the most ridiculous situation of his life (including the time his Uncle sent him out onto the Europe with nothing but five feet of rope in order to catch "one of those lions") with a very handsome yet potentially deranged boy in his bedroom, begging for a chalice of his blood. And the only thing he could think about was that the lock of Brunette hair that fell in front of his only visible green eye was really rather adorable.

Oh, good lord.

"And I know there's no such thing as vampires!" Spain was saying indignantly. "I mean, duh! But, okay, listen to this. So. There's this guy, he's a senior member of the coven. His name is Beilsmchit Gilbert the first or Prussia."

"Does everyone in your 'coven' have a stupid name?" Lovino asked, using air quotes around the word "coven."

"It's not stupid; it's cool and mysterious! And, don't use air quotes."

"What?" Romano began, offended.

"Stop interrupting my story!" Spain huffed. "Anyway, Prussia is a complete nutjob, okay. Thinks he's an actual vampire. Though he does have teeth, like you wouldn't believe. Huh…." Spain trailed off, brow wrinkled pensively. "Are you going somewhere with this?" Lovino said, after nearly a minute of silence.

"Oh, yeah. So when Prussia was sent out to complete his final mission, blood collection—much like I'm doing now." Once again, he held out his chalice hopefully. Lovino just stared at it. Spain sighed. "Anyway, he was sent after this chick, Eliade. Totally classy lady and smokin' hot, too. You know what I'm saying?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

Lovino gave an unimpressed snort.

"So," Spain continued. "He goes to her house, right? Sneaks into her bedroom way better than I snuck into yours, and she still wakes up."

"Tough luck," Lovino said sarcastically. "Why do I care again?"

" You are so mean!" Spain whined.

"You broke into my house."

"Anyway," Spain sniffed. "Not only did she let him take her blood"—he looked pointedly at Lovino, who looked around innocently—"the two of them are totally a thing now!"

"What?" Lovino said. "He's dating his victim?" What the hell was wrong with this Eliade person?

"Just goes to show how hot vampires are right now! Even total weirdoes like Prussia can get hot dates. Which, by the way…" Spain moved forward, a lot quicker than Lovino had anticipated. He stumbled backward onto the bed and tall boy loomed over him. "After I steal your blood and creep off into the darkness like the creature of the night I hope to become, you wanna go get coffee with me or something?"

"What." Lovino said. It was barely even a question.

"You're pretty cute," Spain said, grinning for what Lovino felt was probably the 87th time that night.

"You broke into my house," Lovino said.

"You keep saying that. But, this is an apartment," Spain said, as though Lovino were a confused child. "By the way, where are your parents? I thought they'd come running by now, especially when I broke your window and tripped into your bookshelf."

"I live with my uncle. He's either passed out drunk or lying in his bed hoping I'm being murdered."

"Harsh!" Spain said, flopping down next to Romano's on the bed.

He stood up hastily. "Get off of my bed!"

"Is that what you really want?" The Brunnette asked huskily, attempting to wink.

"Yes," Romano said bluntly. "Because you're subconsciously attracted to me," Spain offered. "Anyway you really don't want me to leave. Also, you want to give me your blood." He held out the chalice again. "Get that out of my face," Romano snapped. Spain pulled it back into the folds of his cloak, pouting. "What are you going to do with that, anyway? Don't tell me you're going to drink it."

"Eww, no!" Spain said, offended. "I don't think I'm actually a vampire. I'm not crazy." Lovino grinned, about to say something, but Spain held up a hand. "Not a word out of you now." Lovino huffed. "Then what the hell do you do with it?"

"There's this elaborate ceremony I have to go through. At least, I think there is. It seemed boring, so I never went to anyone else's induction." He shrugged. "That France is pretty messed up, though. Maybe he will make me drink it!" He looked up at Romano, appalled. "I don't want to actually drink blood!" He grabbed Lovino's pillow and buried his face in it. "Hey! Quit putting your germs all over my pillow, creepy!"

"I'm not creepy; I'm interesting!" came the muffled reply.

And Romano had to admit he was right. Spain was odd, and Romano couldn't figure out what motivated him to do the things he did (like breaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night or attempting to join a vampire coven) but he was intrigued nonetheless. Damn.

Damn damn damn.

"I've decided I don't want to be a vampire anymore," Spain said, lifting the pillow off of his face. "That whole 'join my creepy neighbor's coven' thing was, in retrospect, a poor choice."

"Good for you," Romano said sincerely. "I'm proud."

"Thanks!" Spain said, springing up off of his bed and throwing an arm around his shoulders. "So. Go out with me?" And he smiled the loveliest, most gorgeous smile Romano had ever seen.

"I'll think about it," Romano grumped, looking down to hide his blush. "Just. Get out. Please."

"I'll take that as a yes!" Spain crowed, pumping his fist. He dropped a kiss onto the top of Romano's lips, making him sputter in indignation, then bounded toward the window. "I'll pick you up tomorrow, okay? Around 6:30. I already know where you live, so that won't be a problem!"

"Once again," Romano said. "You are creepy. So. Creepy."

"You're curious about me. Just admit it," he chided, sticking his leg through the pane-less window.

"Curious about why you're such a psycho, maybe. And just use the damn stairs!"

"Oh, right." He trotted over and opened Romano's bedroom door, then turned back to face him. "You know how I said that the whole vampire thing was a poor choice? I'm still glad I did it." He smiled warmly, blew Romano a kiss, and vanished into the hallway. -And as Romano sank back down onto his bed, he thought that it could have been a very cute—albeit still incredibly bizarre—moment, if it hadn't been for what happened next.

"Who the hell're you?" a deep, obviously intoxicated voice slurred from the living room.

"Uh," Spain's voice sounded, and Romano began repeatedly banging his head against the wall. "I'm a vampire? Yeah. And! I can totally hypnotize you with my vampire eyes. Well, eye. So, you never saw me!" Spain said, in a warbly, mystical voice. This was followed by the sound of running footsteps and the slamming of the front door.

"Brat!" His uncle bellowed.

Romano sighed. "Damn."

Sequel:

Spain knocked on the door, standing there very happy and beaming off a lot of energy. Romano was the one to open the door to the Spanish male, who just smiled and handed him a handful of varities of flowers. Romano looked down very etchingly and took the flowers. Spain followed inside and sat down on the couch. While Romanop sat down next to him and threw the flowers behind them. "Thanks, I loved the flowers." Romano said sarcastically. "No problem."

Romano rolled his eyes and turned on the television. "So, where do you want to go?" He asked, leaning onto the short Brunette very curiously. "I rather be watching Spongbob Squarepants right now..." He answered, he looked over at Spain; who was pouting. "C'mon, You said 'yes' and I really want to go 'out' out."

"Okay then, what about we watch 30 minutes of Spongebob, and then we can go out and get something to eat." Romano offered and Spain accepted, hugging Romano closer. "Sounds like a great idea! No Mc Donald's right?"

Romano coughed, and looked at him seriously. "Hell no. We will eat at... Wendy's... At least there we get real Chicken!" He and Spain chuckled, leaning back into the couch...

In a few minutes later, in the middle of the show, Spain looked at Romano and very suddely kissed him on lips. Making the younger male blush and push him. Romano then jumped up and turned off the Television. "What about we go to Wendy's now!" He ran out the Apartment and when Spain stood up, he smiled to himself.

"I always win!"


End file.
